"Amen' is like the Send button on an e-mail" - Steve Toltz
When I was a young banker I dreamed of many things: a hot girlfriend, a fast car and a sleek blackberry. The blackberry was to bankers what I imagine crack cocaine is to addicts: to die for.
You can't shoot this up but it do feel good though
However my needs for a blackberry were purely limited to the show factor of nonchalantly placing it on the table while having drinks with my friends. I was shallow. I was young.
I began to loathe my accessibility once they handed me the keys to the kingdom in the form of my very own crackberry. As any self respecting addict will tell you: crack is wack.
Legend has it that the following blackberry e-mail conversation once occurred within the servers of Mega Bank Corp.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 5.33 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: Important
Please come by my desk and pick up the client document. I need this to be photocopied.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 5.35 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
Subject: Re: Important
Kindly ask someone else to do this work as I am already tasked on some other work
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 5.37 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: Re: Important
I don't see you on your desk Tendo. Have you left the office?
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 5.39 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
Subject: Re: Important
I am in the toilet.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 6.20 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: Re: Important
I don't think you're in the toilet. Its almost been an hour and I checked all the bathroom stalls. Where are you?
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 6.25 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
Subject: Re: Important
I was home. In my own toilet.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 6.31 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: FW: Re: Important
Immediate Manager,
I am sorry to have to escalate this incident to you but I believe that Young Tendo is not familiar with his job responsibilities and I am encountering a significant amount of push back on tasks that I have assigned to him.
I believe that since you are his immediate manager, this is a potential performance appraisal issue.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Manager, Immediate
Sent: Monday 6.52 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: FW: FW: Re: Important
Young Tendo,
FYA. See below. What is this all about?
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 7.00 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: Re: FW: FW: Re: Important
Sir,
Good evening. I regret that Blackberry Beast has involved you in a petty incident. This situation is more than it appears to be. He told me (offline) that I am mismanaged by you. I think he may have some power assumption issues.
I feel so lucky to be managed by you and hope that God would speed you into the highest levels of office.
Please let me know if there is any work I can help you with tonight because I don't plan to sleep. I work at your pleasure.
Also, can I perhaps bring you a cafe latte tomorrow morning? It would please me greatly.
Thank you Sir once again
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sir, I think I can see my face in your feet. Thank you for the opportunity.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Manager, Immediate
Sent: Monday 7.15 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
CC: Tendo, Young
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Important
Blackberry Beast,
I think you need to spend less time looking for my immediate reports and more time focused on your own work. Why wasn't your task assigned to one of our summer sandbags?
Perhaps you need a refresher session on Leadership 1 Training.
regards,
Immediate Manager
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 7.42 pm
To: Head, Department
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Good evening Department Head,
First, I would like to profusely apologize for interrupting your evening. You have been a great mentor to me and I am forever grateful for your having nominated me to attend Leadership 1 Training. I really believe that if I just keep my eyes on the ball and follow your sage advice, I will one day be able to achieve perhaps half of your career achievements. I am in amazement at the example that you have set for both women and people of color in this bank.
I recall during our end of year discussion that you asked me to keep an eye out on emerging issues within the greater team. I believe that there are certain members of the mid management team who do not follow your management style and this could jeopardize this year's revenue target. Forgive me for being so blunt but case in point is Immediate Manager. He has frustrated my ability to generate revenue by not allowing me to utilize his direct reports. I think he may feel that I threaten his hold on his current position.
Kindly advise the way forward.
Thanks once again
_________________________________________________________________________________
We forgot to highlight our culture during orientation
From: Head, Department
Sent: Monday 8.30 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Important
Immediate Manager,
I have just been alerted to the situation. I am disappointed in your handling of this situation and this will certainly impact your year end assessment. As you are aware from previous discussions, Blackberry Beast is one of our upcoming high potential managers and I expect you to offer your unconditional support in all that he does.
I will discuss this further with you tomorrow.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Manager, Immediate
Sent: Monday 9.05 pm
To: Head, Business Unit
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Business Unit Head,
Good evening Sir. Trust that all is well. I am going to cut to the chase here. Two years ago, you promised me that Department Head was just a diversity hire and that I should sit tight because in two years she would be gone and I would be rightly promoted.
Can we please schedule a chat tomorrow to discuss my career opportunities because I am unable to work in an environment of incompetence brought on by our diversity hire requirements.
Thank you Sir.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Business Unit
Sent: Monday 9.45 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: Re: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
I got this bro! You just sit tight. I never forgot that I owed you one for being a good soldier when HR twisted my hand into promoting department head.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Business Unit
Sent: Monday 9.46 pm
To: Head, Human Resources
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Important
Human Resources Head
Department head is no longer a good fit for us as she is clearly unable to manage a situation without resorting to threats. This is not what you promised me when you recommended her. I am thinking Asia Pacific could be a good region to send her to.
I have 15 minutes free for a discussion at 10 am tomorrow. Come down to my office with a list of job openings because I cannot have that woman in my team by year end.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Human Resources
Sent: Monday 10.30 pm
To: CEO
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
CEO
Hope you enjoyed your midday 18 hole round of golf today! Just a quick one before you get into the office tomorrow. We really need to talk about how business unit head is bullying staff. I don't like the tone in his e-mail and i feel threatened if I dare raise my voice.
P.S. Let me know if you want me to teach you how to improve your swing. I have definitely got a loose 6 hours whenever you want.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: CEO
Sent: Monday 11.01 pm
To: 1, Godfather
Subject: Re: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Godfather 1
Its getting impossible to handle business unit head. He is acting like the de facto head of this country operation making me look like a minister without a portfolio.
Kindly advise.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: 1, Godfather
Sent: Monday 11.29 pm
To: Head, Business Unit
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Business Unit Head
What the hell is going on down there? I thought I told you to sit tight and I would make you CEO at the end of this year. Don't get ahead of yourself kid! Now be a good boy and play nice.
I am going to send out a general e-mail to country staff.
________________________________________________________________________________
From: 1, Godfather
Sent: Monday 11.30 pm
To: ALL COUNTRY EMPLOYEES
CC: CEO
Subject: Team work
Team
I would first like to congratulate you for an incredible performance last year. This was in no small part due to your amazing show of team work.
You work in one of the greatest organisations in the country where colleagues see each other as family. Families are happy places where our diversity is recognized and encouraged. We may be different but we are united by our similarities.
Whenever I visit your country, I am always overwhelmed by the stories of colleagues going out of their way for each other and this makes me believe that our future is extremely bright.
Please keep up the teamwork and I promise you that by year end, we will have plenty of developments and movement of key staff to bigger and better opportunities.
Love,
Godfather 1
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 11.59 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: FW: Teamwork
Tendo
I hope you read that e-mail from the big man. In the spirit of teamwork I still need you to make those photocopies first thing in the morning.
P.S. Use the toilet before work starts
_________________________________________________________________________________
When I was a young banker I dreamed of many things: a hot girlfriend, a fast car and a sleek blackberry. The blackberry was to bankers what I imagine crack cocaine is to addicts: to die for.
However my needs for a blackberry were purely limited to the show factor of nonchalantly placing it on the table while having drinks with my friends. I was shallow. I was young.
I began to loathe my accessibility once they handed me the keys to the kingdom in the form of my very own crackberry. As any self respecting addict will tell you: crack is wack.
Legend has it that the following blackberry e-mail conversation once occurred within the servers of Mega Bank Corp.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 5.33 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: Important
Please come by my desk and pick up the client document. I need this to be photocopied.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 5.35 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
Subject: Re: Important
Kindly ask someone else to do this work as I am already tasked on some other work
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 5.37 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: Re: Important
I don't see you on your desk Tendo. Have you left the office?
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 5.39 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
Subject: Re: Important
I am in the toilet.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 6.20 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: Re: Important
I don't think you're in the toilet. Its almost been an hour and I checked all the bathroom stalls. Where are you?
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 6.25 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
Subject: Re: Important
I was home. In my own toilet.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 6.31 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: FW: Re: Important
Immediate Manager,
I am sorry to have to escalate this incident to you but I believe that Young Tendo is not familiar with his job responsibilities and I am encountering a significant amount of push back on tasks that I have assigned to him.
I believe that since you are his immediate manager, this is a potential performance appraisal issue.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Manager, Immediate
Sent: Monday 6.52 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: FW: FW: Re: Important
Young Tendo,
FYA. See below. What is this all about?
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Tendo, Young
Sent: Monday 7.00 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: Re: FW: FW: Re: Important
Sir,
Good evening. I regret that Blackberry Beast has involved you in a petty incident. This situation is more than it appears to be. He told me (offline) that I am mismanaged by you. I think he may have some power assumption issues.
I feel so lucky to be managed by you and hope that God would speed you into the highest levels of office.
Please let me know if there is any work I can help you with tonight because I don't plan to sleep. I work at your pleasure.
Also, can I perhaps bring you a cafe latte tomorrow morning? It would please me greatly.
Thank you Sir once again
_________________________________________________________________________________
Sir, I think I can see my face in your feet. Thank you for the opportunity.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Manager, Immediate
Sent: Monday 7.15 pm
To: Beast, Blackberry
CC: Tendo, Young
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Important
Blackberry Beast,
I think you need to spend less time looking for my immediate reports and more time focused on your own work. Why wasn't your task assigned to one of our summer sandbags?
Perhaps you need a refresher session on Leadership 1 Training.
regards,
Immediate Manager
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 7.42 pm
To: Head, Department
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Good evening Department Head,
First, I would like to profusely apologize for interrupting your evening. You have been a great mentor to me and I am forever grateful for your having nominated me to attend Leadership 1 Training. I really believe that if I just keep my eyes on the ball and follow your sage advice, I will one day be able to achieve perhaps half of your career achievements. I am in amazement at the example that you have set for both women and people of color in this bank.
I recall during our end of year discussion that you asked me to keep an eye out on emerging issues within the greater team. I believe that there are certain members of the mid management team who do not follow your management style and this could jeopardize this year's revenue target. Forgive me for being so blunt but case in point is Immediate Manager. He has frustrated my ability to generate revenue by not allowing me to utilize his direct reports. I think he may feel that I threaten his hold on his current position.
Kindly advise the way forward.
Thanks once again
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Department
Sent: Monday 8.30 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Important
Immediate Manager,
I have just been alerted to the situation. I am disappointed in your handling of this situation and this will certainly impact your year end assessment. As you are aware from previous discussions, Blackberry Beast is one of our upcoming high potential managers and I expect you to offer your unconditional support in all that he does.
I will discuss this further with you tomorrow.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Manager, Immediate
Sent: Monday 9.05 pm
To: Head, Business Unit
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Business Unit Head,
Good evening Sir. Trust that all is well. I am going to cut to the chase here. Two years ago, you promised me that Department Head was just a diversity hire and that I should sit tight because in two years she would be gone and I would be rightly promoted.
Can we please schedule a chat tomorrow to discuss my career opportunities because I am unable to work in an environment of incompetence brought on by our diversity hire requirements.
Thank you Sir.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Business Unit
Sent: Monday 9.45 pm
To: Manager, Immediate
Subject: Re: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
I got this bro! You just sit tight. I never forgot that I owed you one for being a good soldier when HR twisted my hand into promoting department head.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Business Unit
Sent: Monday 9.46 pm
To: Head, Human Resources
Subject: Re: FW: Re: Important
Human Resources Head
Department head is no longer a good fit for us as she is clearly unable to manage a situation without resorting to threats. This is not what you promised me when you recommended her. I am thinking Asia Pacific could be a good region to send her to.
I have 15 minutes free for a discussion at 10 am tomorrow. Come down to my office with a list of job openings because I cannot have that woman in my team by year end.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Head, Human Resources
Sent: Monday 10.30 pm
To: CEO
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
CEO
Hope you enjoyed your midday 18 hole round of golf today! Just a quick one before you get into the office tomorrow. We really need to talk about how business unit head is bullying staff. I don't like the tone in his e-mail and i feel threatened if I dare raise my voice.
P.S. Let me know if you want me to teach you how to improve your swing. I have definitely got a loose 6 hours whenever you want.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: CEO
Sent: Monday 11.01 pm
To: 1, Godfather
Subject: Re: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Godfather 1
Its getting impossible to handle business unit head. He is acting like the de facto head of this country operation making me look like a minister without a portfolio.
Kindly advise.
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: 1, Godfather
Sent: Monday 11.29 pm
To: Head, Business Unit
Subject: FW: Re: FW: Re: Important
Business Unit Head
What the hell is going on down there? I thought I told you to sit tight and I would make you CEO at the end of this year. Don't get ahead of yourself kid! Now be a good boy and play nice.
I am going to send out a general e-mail to country staff.
________________________________________________________________________________
From: 1, Godfather
Sent: Monday 11.30 pm
To: ALL COUNTRY EMPLOYEES
CC: CEO
Subject: Team work
Team
I would first like to congratulate you for an incredible performance last year. This was in no small part due to your amazing show of team work.
You work in one of the greatest organisations in the country where colleagues see each other as family. Families are happy places where our diversity is recognized and encouraged. We may be different but we are united by our similarities.
Whenever I visit your country, I am always overwhelmed by the stories of colleagues going out of their way for each other and this makes me believe that our future is extremely bright.
Please keep up the teamwork and I promise you that by year end, we will have plenty of developments and movement of key staff to bigger and better opportunities.
Love,
Godfather 1
_________________________________________________________________________________
From: Beast, Blackberry
Sent: Monday 11.59 pm
To: Tendo, Young
Subject: FW: Teamwork
Tendo
I hope you read that e-mail from the big man. In the spirit of teamwork I still need you to make those photocopies first thing in the morning.
P.S. Use the toilet before work starts
_________________________________________________________________________________
LOL!
ReplyDelete