"Like.............whatever"
- Any bored teenager, anywhere in the anglophone world
I once heard someone compare bankers to teenagers. To understand the comparison, I invite you to observe the species (banker brat) around bonus announcement/promotion day. Whatever you do, don't threaten a bankers sense of entitlement over status and pay. You may observe a Jekyll and Hyde moment.
I was no exception to the teenager syndrome and this illness struck me at the height of my good fortune as a banker. Life couldn't have been any better and I was so bored in Babylon. During this time I felt as though I were having a debate with three different sides of me.
Yes, I said three different sides of me.
I present to you the great debate of boredom between me, myself and I that occurred over a period of 21 months at the apex of my banking career.
Month 1: Mid cycle Salary re-fit (technical term for randomly bringing your salary up to market average)
Me: Wow! I just got an 89% salary increase. Damn it feels good to be a banker!
Myself: What is that in dollars? I need to remain internationally competitive
I: You mean these **@*** were underpaying me 89% compared to market?!!
89%
Month 2: Relocation back to my country of birth
Me: OMG. How exciting!
Myself: I hope this comes with fat benefits
I: But its not like you're moving to New York
Month 3: Additional 11% salary increase
Me: I am feeling so blessed with a 100% salary increase within three months
Myself: But its not like I am earning in US dollars
I: These **@** should have been paying me this last year
Month 4: Promotion to Assistant Vice President (AVP)
Me: I can't believe I made AVP by the age of 26
Myself: So maybe I'll make Vice President by 28
I: Making AVP is so last year. I know a guy my age who made Vice President this year.
Cheers to the frickin' bank
Month 5: The bank buys me a German sedan for my "official bank use"
Me: "Beema, benz or bentley"
Myself: Winning! (African Banker 1, American Banker 0)
I: However, I would much rather prefer a Range Rover
Month 6: I move into a "nice" apartment
Me: It just doesn't get any better, a really "nice" apartment for a bachelor
Myself: Now all we need is appropriate furniture
I: This is not the penthouse suite
Month 7: Weekend trip to Italy for a friends wedding
Me: I would hate me too
Myself: Straight up Ballers Anonymous
I: But Kanye does this every month
What do you think I bank for? To drive a **@** RAV 4?
Month 8: Selected to host my clients at a World Cup match
Me: Damn it feels good to be a banker- paid to go watch sports!
Myself: Why did they book me in the courtyard lodge? Was the Radisson Blue unavailable?
I: Flying business class isn't the same anymore...Net Jets anyone?
Month 9: Itchy feet
Me: I am not feeling challenged in this role
Myself: I am doing VP work for AVP pay
I: When is this **@** financial crisis going to be over? I want to relocate to NYC
Month 12: Life is so unfair
Me: I don't feel appreciated
Myself: I need a hug
I: Cry me a river
Month 14: A routine trip to Zanzibar
Me: Perhaps the only perk of this job is my once a quarter 3 day 'business' trip to see my 1 client in Zanzibar
Myself: These luxury beach resorts are a true home away from home
I: I wonder if the bank has an office in Fiji?
Pinstripes and Pina coladas
Month 18: Seriously itchy feet
Me: I am so bored of this sh*t
Myself: I feel I need a stretch assignment
I: You need to not be in Africa
Month 21: Internal transfer approved
Me: How exciting! I get to start a new business unit
Myself: Finally I am going back to the money tribe
I: Like..................whatever
___________________ End____________________
Next week: Act 1: Scene 5 (I haven't figured out the title yet...)
- Any bored teenager, anywhere in the anglophone world
I once heard someone compare bankers to teenagers. To understand the comparison, I invite you to observe the species (banker brat) around bonus announcement/promotion day. Whatever you do, don't threaten a bankers sense of entitlement over status and pay. You may observe a Jekyll and Hyde moment.
I was no exception to the teenager syndrome and this illness struck me at the height of my good fortune as a banker. Life couldn't have been any better and I was so bored in Babylon. During this time I felt as though I were having a debate with three different sides of me.
Yes, I said three different sides of me.
I present to you the great debate of boredom between me, myself and I that occurred over a period of 21 months at the apex of my banking career.
Month 1: Mid cycle Salary re-fit (technical term for randomly bringing your salary up to market average)
Me: Wow! I just got an 89% salary increase. Damn it feels good to be a banker!
Myself: What is that in dollars? I need to remain internationally competitive
I: You mean these **@*** were underpaying me 89% compared to market?!!
Month 2: Relocation back to my country of birth
Me: OMG. How exciting!
Myself: I hope this comes with fat benefits
I: But its not like you're moving to New York
Month 3: Additional 11% salary increase
Me: I am feeling so blessed with a 100% salary increase within three months
Myself: But its not like I am earning in US dollars
I: These **@** should have been paying me this last year
Month 4: Promotion to Assistant Vice President (AVP)
Me: I can't believe I made AVP by the age of 26
Myself: So maybe I'll make Vice President by 28
I: Making AVP is so last year. I know a guy my age who made Vice President this year.
Cheers to the frickin' bank
Month 5: The bank buys me a German sedan for my "official bank use"
Me: "Beema, benz or bentley"
Myself: Winning! (African Banker 1, American Banker 0)
I: However, I would much rather prefer a Range Rover
Month 6: I move into a "nice" apartment
Me: It just doesn't get any better, a really "nice" apartment for a bachelor
Myself: Now all we need is appropriate furniture
I: This is not the penthouse suite
Month 7: Weekend trip to Italy for a friends wedding
Me: I would hate me too
Myself: Straight up Ballers Anonymous
I: But Kanye does this every month
What do you think I bank for? To drive a **@** RAV 4?
Month 8: Selected to host my clients at a World Cup match
Me: Damn it feels good to be a banker- paid to go watch sports!
Myself: Why did they book me in the courtyard lodge? Was the Radisson Blue unavailable?
I: Flying business class isn't the same anymore...Net Jets anyone?
Month 9: Itchy feet
Me: I am not feeling challenged in this role
Myself: I am doing VP work for AVP pay
I: When is this **@** financial crisis going to be over? I want to relocate to NYC
Month 12: Life is so unfair
Me: I don't feel appreciated
Myself: I need a hug
I: Cry me a river
Month 14: A routine trip to Zanzibar
Me: Perhaps the only perk of this job is my once a quarter 3 day 'business' trip to see my 1 client in Zanzibar
Myself: These luxury beach resorts are a true home away from home
I: I wonder if the bank has an office in Fiji?
Month 18: Seriously itchy feet
Me: I am so bored of this sh*t
Myself: I feel I need a stretch assignment
I: You need to not be in Africa
Month 21: Internal transfer approved
Me: How exciting! I get to start a new business unit
Myself: Finally I am going back to the money tribe
I: Like..................whatever
___________________ End____________________
Next week: Act 1: Scene 5 (I haven't figured out the title yet...)
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ReplyDeletehahahahaha yeah....ati you need a hug? ... your street creds down the drain! The struggle is real though, I still have such conversations with myself, I'm just not sure how many voices are in my head!!!lol
ReplyDelete