Act 1: Scene 5: Helping rich people get richer

'Its like the more money we come across, the more problems we see'

- Notorious B.I.G & Diddy (aka P. Diddy, aka Puff Daddy, aka Sean "Puffy" Combs)

Africa is a continent of contradictions; the birthplace of mankind and the play ground of disease and despair. Tens of thousands of humanitarian workers have given up the material trappings of an ordinary Western corporate life in order to improve the lives of helpless Africans. Whether through churches, celebrity baby adoptions or luxury tented safaris, almost everyone has played a part to alleviate poverty. Everyone, that is, except me. I chose the path less taken and dedicated two years of my life to helping the unlikeliest of Africans in despair. I chose to help the 0.000001% of Africans who needed a wealth manager to ease the pain of being of an ultra high net worth individual.

                                                                         So what should I do with the other $10 million?

As a result of my time volunteering with the mass affluent, I learned many valuable lessons. It is with great pleasure I present to you three secret gems of wisdom acquired from this era:

1. Rich people don't share secrets gems of wisdom 

I believe the only reason I became a wealth manager was to expose myself to whatever infection made rich people get  richer by just breathing. This may be puzzling to hear as I imagine my earlier identification as a wealth manager may have led you to believe that I was the reason my clients became rich. Not quite. I was only the reason my clients were able to monitor, in real time, just how rich they were. In order to understand the puzzle, you first have to understand how the majority of third world ultra high net worth individuals came to be:

A. Friend of the President
Rich because you are the only person legally allowed to do whatever you do in the country

B. Enemy of the state
Rich because you serve the state and pay yourself by robbing your employer

C. Prince-ling
Rich because your ancestors fall into category A or B

As you can tell, it didn't take a genius to uncover the secret behind campaign contributions. However it certainly required wealth management expertise to create the most tax efficient structure to shelter the windfall.

                                                                       Friends with benefits: I will make you into a titan of industry


2. Suit yourself: why rich people sometimes dress like the help and vice versa

Whenever I identified myself as a wealth manager, I often saw a twinkle in the eye of the employed masses who somehow thought I possessed the keys to the kingdom of Forbes 400. Cocktail events were never the same as all conversations would invariably follow this pattern:

Cocktail Guest: So what do you do in Mega Bank Corp?
Tendo Money: I am a wealth manager
Cocktail Guest: Let's be friends

I imagined that it was the tailored suits and fitted shirts that helped me acquire numerous 'friends' and expand my networking circles. Conventional wisdom in our profession recommended that a wealth manager should dress like money. The dodgy rationale being that if we looked like we didn't personally need money, then the moneyed prospects would trust us like one of their own. In truth, we resembled impeccably dressed butlers serving care-free masters. This lesson was imparted to me by a client whom I chose to call the Maverick. The Maverick openly expressed his distrust for slick, sugar-tongued banker types. As a self-made millionaire who never went to university, he had no time for suits. Literally. He made it a point to wear paint-stained jeans to every meeting we organized and the only time he wore a suit was on the occasion of his son's graduation. The day before the ceremony he went to a good Samaritan thrift store and bought a $20 suit. Like a savvy investor, after the ceremony he returned the suit to the store and promptly picked up his cash. He knew better than to waste good money wearing a bad suit.

                                                                                I dress better than you- why won't you call me friend?

3.  Its all in the approach: what chasing hot girls taught me about acquiring rich clients

Hot girls: Young and gorgeous- men worship the ground they walk on

Rich people: Middle aged and pot bellied- men worship the ground they walk on

If you have ever seen a hot girl being pursued, you will always notice a herd of suitors trying variations around the same themed approach. This approach will primarily involve a level of attention that would puzzle a stalker.

If you ever pitch a rich person for his business, he will tell you that he has 5 other banks who have promised him even better rates, lower costs and heightened levels of personal service.

What is the commonality here? Hot girls and rich people always go for those who pay them little to no attention. I am not a psychologist but reverse psychology works like a charm. I called it the non-pitch pitch. I would meet a prospect and talk about anything and everything other than what I did for a living. Befuddled by this indirect approach, the rich prospect would ask me what I did for Mega Bank Corp, I would tell them I was a wealth manager and then proceed to talk about golf/weather/politics. The conversation would end as follows:

Rich prospect: Listen Tendo, lets meet up another time and you can tell me what you can do for me as a wealth manager
Tendo Money: Yeah, sure. Whatever
Rich prospect: Call me, maybe

Like a teenage romance, its totally not cool to lose your calm even when all you desire is right in front of you. Hot girls and rich people always fall for that.